Time to say
"NO" to change
From the ancient times and today also, a woman is
expected to change herself and settle in a new environment after marriage.
Several questions are raised if the newlywed does anything which is not liked
or acceptable by the in-laws and relatives. A wife is expected to put her own wishes down and do as everyone
else wants her to do even if what is asked to be done brings her unhappiness
and discomfort, she is expected to bow down as it is the matter of everyone
else's pride.
Ankita got
married two years ago and she woke up at 0700 hours instead of 0600 hours. She
was feeling scary as what she will have to hear from her new family. Her
mother-in-law didn't say anything directly to her but this matter was put down
in front of be husband saying, "She sleeps until this late. We don't
like this. Ask her to wake up early". What was her mistake? If any
day she wakes up late, her world goes upside down (I don't say all in-laws are bad but some of the conservative
families do not tolerate all this)
There is an
assumption that only she has to change, listen to everyone, fit in everyone's
expectations. She is not even expected to talk or answer to elders if anyone
says anything about her, her upbringing or parents. Let's take an example, in
India, there is a tradition that the newlywed has to cook the meal on the first
day after marriage. Shalini was also following this tradition. While she was
cooking, one of her aunt came in the kitchen and commented sarcastically "I
have taught my daughter to prepare the sabzi in this way and it tastes very
good. Didn't your mother teach you to cook tasty food?" Shalini
commented "Everybody has a different style of doing things" The aunty
came out and made a hill out of a mole. Shalini's mother-in-law was very angry.
Rohan (Shalini's husband) was instructed to tell her "So what if she didn't like
what your aunt said. It's not important to display her own views. What will
they say that our daughter-in-law argues with elders." This is the
most common dialogue heard by every woman and especially the newlywed. She is
expected to listen everything passively.
Marriage is
a union where two people start a new life who understand each other's needs and
wishes. Then why should only she has to be forced to listen to everyone, please
and make others happy? She is always expected to talk politely and in a well
behaved manner. Richa and Sahil got married after being in a relationship for 4
years. Richa used to call Sahil by different names and Sahil also used to call
her by different names. After marriage, one fine day, when many guests were
there in the house, Richa called Sahil by his name and this is where the
problem arised (in ancient times, women were not allowed to take husband's
name) as Sahil's family was a little conservative. Sahil's mother immediately
reacted, "Tell her to speak to you in a proper way when around people. She
shouldn't call you the way she calls."
She is an equal family member then why does she have to change herself? Why can't she be the person she really is? Why is she constantly compared to others and expected to maintain herself? She also deserves equal respect. She had a family which she left just to be with you. She needs your time, your respect, your support (emotional and mental). She needs to be loved. She is your equal partner, your betterhalf. She is a grown up with her values, heart and soul. Some households are there where the mother-in-law or the sister-in-law expect from the newlywed to follow the traditions of the house from the very first day. Let me share with you my friend Arohi's example. She was an interior decorator. After marriage, she thought of making some changes in her new home but she was stopped saying "we are keeping the things like this from the beginning then why do you intend to change it?" Like if she wants to do something new, then why is she stopped from doing it in the name of tradition. She wants to do something in the home because it is hers too. But she is constantly addressed as "kal ki aayi hui ladki" or "dusre ghar ki ladki" etc. She came in your home thinking its hers too where she can be herself. She will have dreams and ambitions too. Then why stop her?
Family and
home is a place of warmth, of love, of mutual understanding, acceptance and
respect. A place where everyone is treated equally, where everyone has the
right to participate in every decision making. But in many families, it is seen
that the wife is not considered important. Even her husband avoids her, ignores
her, doesn't speak for her right to be wanting to maintain peace and harmony of
the home (we have a fine example of the movie English Vinglish starring Sridevi in
the lead role). They don't realise that lack of respect and attack on wife is
not harmony in home but is the opposite of that. As she is taught what it is to
be respected and if she is not respected or valued equally, how do you expect
from her the respect, love and support? Why should she have to keep changing
herself after marriage?
